Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
