Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
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