I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
