Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
