I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
