Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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