i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
