Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
