You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
