someone threw a dead crab at me
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
