i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
