it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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