He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
We were destined to go to rehab together
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
