He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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