ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
