I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
