Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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