standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
