The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
