We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
