So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Randomize