Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
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