your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
