12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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