Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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