I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
That accounts for only three of the penises
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
