for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
