Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I wish there were birth control emojis
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
