I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
