wakey wakey hands off snakey
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
