There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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