I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
