you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
