My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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