Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
