New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
