My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
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