the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
