So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
