I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
The power of my boobs compel you
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
