I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
