the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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