Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
