lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I want her autograph on my taint
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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