Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
