I wish I could teleport
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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