just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
