By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
