Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
