Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
