hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
