i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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