do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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