someone get that fucking seahorse.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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