did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
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