I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
false alarm, still single
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
