I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
