too bad you live with your parents still
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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